Getting Big: 3 Months

That's 1/4 of a year!  WHAT???

It was a year ago that we found out I was pregnant.  What a difference a year will make!

I had him pretty slumped over in his 2 month pics, so he doesn't look like he's grown much, but believe you me he has!

Some fun stats:

While still seeming small--everyone who holds him always uses the word "solid" which I find funny because they've all never met one another and yet that is the first word they use when they actually feel him.

He's just barely wearing size 2 diapers, and that's mostly because we ran out of size 1.

He's wearing size 3-6 month clothing, but they're still pretty roomy.

Since he's learned to grasp he accidentally pulls his own hair.  He likes to take big handfuls of it.  I'm so worried he's going to make himself bald.  

And I think it's thinning on its own.  I constantly find his little hairs on his outfits and it makes me so sad.  I don't want him to loose his gorgeous locks.  

On top of hurting his scalp, he has been scratching and rubbing raw his face SO much.  It kinda starts above his ears and then he just pulls across his face from there.  He'll do it OVER AND OVER again.  Especially when he's tired or upset.  We've been  having to have him wear his mittens a lot, which I hate doing because I know he needs to explore.  No matter how short I keep his nails, if I don't keep his hands covered, I find new scratches on him whenever I turn around. Will he grow out of it?

He can definitely hold his head up really well.  However, he kinda doesn't get tummy time.  He just sleeps or lays there.  Kinda lazy when it comes to exercise like his mom! :)

We're also pretty sure that he has eczema.  He has eczema patches on his right arm, behind his knees and his back, they look and act like Claudy's eczema which makes me so sad and it's a constant battle to keep him lubed.

If I thought he was aware before, he's even more now!  As soon as I enter his line of sight he lights up, which MELTS my heart.  He is so social and just gives this jaw dropped, open mouth, gummy smile.  Which is great, except for at night because he just starts kicking and getting excited when I'm trying to soothe and quiet him.

It seems like his eyes change colors like mine.  They sway between blue and green.  Claudy loves to see what they are each day.

He is still SOO cuddly.  He loves to be held, but I can totally set him down to get things done which is the perfect combo if you ask me!

He is talking up a storm too.  He has like full blown conversations and just coos and grunts so loudly to himself.  It is adorable.

He is still napping WONDERFULLY.  He takes usually 3 naps a day at 2-2.5 hours each.  He eats, plays for a bit (bout an hour) and then conks out.  I know I shouldn't let him, but he sleeps SOO well in his boppy.  It's like I literally just have to have him assume the position and he's out.  I can put him in it and just walk away.  His eyes can be open and everything and he goes to sleep on his own after talking a bit to himself.  Every once in awhile I have to tickle his face, but that's if it was my fault for not getting him to bed sooner.  He has to be on his side, swaddled in a blanket with his binky.  I feel OK letting him do so because I always have him nap in the same room I'm in.  I SO wish he could sleep all night in it.

 At night, it takes a little while to fall asleep.  Meaning, that we have to go in a few times during the first half of an hour to an hour after putting him down.  He always falls asleep, but then wakes a few times.  It's funny because if he's half asleep he won't open his eyes, just cry with them squeezed shut.  Which is funny looking and promising because then you know he's almost there.  He usually goes down between 7:30-8:30 p.m. and then most nights, sleeps until 4 a.m. ish for a feeding.  Some people say I should cut this feeding out, but because he's still small I don't mind.  Plus that's like 7-8 hours since his last feeding, and even I get hungry then.  That's probably making excuses, but once he's 4 months and still doing it I'll start to let him cry it out.  But after that he goes back down until 7:30 a.m..  That seems to be his favorite wake time as it's almost always on the dot.  It's a little early for me, but isn't terrible.  Plus going into his smiling face isn't such a bad wake up call. Every once in awhile for no reason he'll wake for two feedings, or just wake several times for his binky which is uber annoying after a really good few nights, but I guess it's better to have it be a slight annoyance that happens every once in awhile rather than the usual.

He is IN LOVE with his hands.  While he found them and put them in his mouth at about 2.5 weeks, he's become OBSESSED.  He has learned to clasp them and so he either has them clasped or in his mouth.  It's impossible to see him otherwise.  Which means he is drooling even more.  He gets puddles on himself or you--or your sleeve.  If you hold him, he'll try to grasp your sleeve and put it in his mouth.  I hear they drool more when they're teething and I can't imagine that.  I'm surprised he's not perma dehydrated!  He can almost fit his entire fist in there, and constantly tries.  If he keeps it up it will be quit the talent to impress others at Scout Camp!

I try and have lots of people hold him whenever we go anywhere and he does great.  He just loves to be snuggled and is an equal opportunity snuggler.  I hope that continues.  When does that usually stop?  How do I avoid that changing?

I am so surprised he hasn't laughed since he's soo smiley and kicks when we play.  I cannot wait.  Don't keep me waiting much longer lil boy!

I love my happy boy and am loving watching his sweet personality bloom.

VDay 2012

Doh.  I forgot to take a picture.  Bummer.  I actually wore makeup that day!

For our first Valentine's Day being parents, me and Claudy got our first babysitter!

Thankfully, it was just my sister, but still!  I had told Claudy that we had to go on a date before Carter was 1 month, but time just flies!

Plus, I think we've been good at making time for one another.  We put him to bed and still watch movies and stay up late talking, but we haven't GONE OUT.  So it was high time.

I was kinda nervous all day.  Not sure why--I wasn't nervous about leaving him with my sister because she is a pro, but I wanted the house to be sparkling, I had to pump a bottle,  and I wanted to look nice and get my hair cut so it was just a lot to get done, while taking care of the lil one!  I felt like I was rushing around like a mad woman all day.  I can't imagine how much more pressure I'll feel letting someone who is not family into the house.  And I didn't even have to make dinner for her.  I know a lot of times when I used to babysit the mom would still have to make dinner even though she was going out to dinner so that the kids could still eat.  Thankfully Molly was cool having cereal.  I wanted a day off!

We decided to go to Texas Roadhouse.  It was odd going to dinner so early!  We used to go to dinner around 7-8 p.m., but since we knew we needed to get back in time for Carter's bed time (he's very particular and I didn't want Molly to have to deal with that) we went at 5.  Holy cow!  Funny how much you beat the rush!  We are now officially old!

And yes, I took my diaper bag.  So, I guess I'm officially a mom.  I didn't want to dump the things I needed out of it into my purse.  Good thing it's cute.  But still--I laughed at myself carrying around butt cream and diapers with no baby in sight.

I was afraid we'd fall into the "all we talk about is our kids" as I hear a lot of people do--but it was so fun.  We barely talked about Carter and just enjoyed one another's company.  Don't get me wrong--I find we talk endlessly about how adorable he is and always say "oh, did you see that??!!"  But I was glad to see we could still be "people" and not just "parents".

Because the restaurant was so bare since we got there early we polished off dinner too quickly.  I had also always heard (or maybe just dramatized from TV?) that mother's cry when they leave their baby with a babysitter, or that they're checking their phone a million times or rushing home.  Not this momma!

I checked in with Molly once dinner was over to see if he was OK.  Since he was I told Claudy let's hit the mall!  No need to rush home--let's enjoy our time out!  So we just window shopped, held hands and wandered around the mall.  Of course we had to stop in every athletic shoe store, but it was still so nice!

Low key, but very nice.  So glad to have a beautiful boy to get home to, but grateful to have a handsome husband who I enjoy spending one on one time with.

Thanks again to my awesome sister Molly.  Nothing like leaving your kid with family!  I dread the day I have to get a "real" babysitter. 

FINALLY: Tasty Black Beans and Rice

I've been searching high and low for a good tasting black beans and rice recipe.  I was about ready to rent a small burro and travel through South America until I found one.  Thankfully, the Internet is much faster and easier! 

Black beans and rice are always a tasty side at Latino restaurants, and I feel like 90% of the world eats it as a staple.  Yet, it's so unappealing plain.  And nothing I tried seemed to give them a palatable flair.

Let me count the ways black beans and rice is great:

1. CHEAP!

2. Filling

3. Goes with TONS of main dishes.  Might I suggest: Chili Lime Chicken, Applebee's Fiesta Lime Chicken, or Salsa Crock Pot Fajitas

4. Fits my elimination diet!

5. Features my favorite seasoning of all time, AND tells you to use it liberally: Tony's!

6. Has bacon in it.  'Nuf said.

I adapted this recipe because I was afraid it would make too much.  However, I'm trying to hurry and eat the scant leftovers before the hubs comes home.  Wish I would have made the full recipe, but at the same time, I loved the flavors from halving it. Picture and original recipe comes from Bev Cooks. 

Try it!

Also, if you have a fav beans and rice recipe, I'd love to hear it!

Ingredients:

2 slices bacon, cut into small chunks

1/4 red onion, diced

2 large cloves garlic, minced

1/2 Tbs. smoked paprika

1/2 tsp cumin

2 Tbs. (or more!) Tony Chachere’s cajun seasoning, divided (Found in the spice isle at Wal-Mart, Macey's and  most grocery stores.  Also great on pizza, soups and any piece of meat.)

1 red bell pepper, diced

1 large tomato, diced

1 (14.5 oz) can black beans, drained and rinsed

1/2 Tbs. honey

1/4 cup chicken broth

1/4 cup fresh cilantro, plus more for garnish (I only had dried and it worked well, but I bet fresh would be better)

few glugs of Tabasco sauce (I normally fear this ingredient, but I dutifully used it like it called for and was pleasantly surprised)

Salt to taste

1 and 1/2 cups cooked rice

Directions:

Cook the bacon until crisp. Remove bacon and set aside to drain on paper towels. Leave bacon fat in the skillet.  Chop bacon and set aside.

Add the diced onion to the skillet and cook until they start to soften and caramelize, 5 minutes. Add the garlic for another 30 seconds. Add the red bell pepper, the bacon, the paprika, cumin and a good pinch of the Tony’s spice. Saute another minute.

Add in the diced tomatoes and saute until they start to break down a little, 3 minutes. Then pour in the beans. Toss to combine and cook 2 minutes. Mush the beans a little with the back of your spoon.  Taste. Add the salt, honey, broth and another generous pinch of Tony’s. Cook another two minutes.

Toss in the cilantro to wilt, along with a few glugs of Tabasco. One final taste. More Tony’s? Of course.

Serve black bean mixture of a heaping mound of cooked rice and garnish with more cilantro leaves.

Roller Coaster!

Motherhood is such a roller coaster!!!  Tonight I sat and cried as I held Carter who was also crying.  I'm sure we were a pathetic sight.

And to think just three days ago I was thinking, "I totally have this!! Motherhood is in the bag!"  A bag that someone decided to put an anvil in!  This bag is now crushingly heavy! Because for the last three days my routine loving baby has decided that he hates sleep and schedules all at once.  I'm hoping it's just his 3 month growth spurt.  Who knows. 

All I know is that as I held him, my mind started to spin out of control.  This is just the first of many hard things.  Now it's sleep, then it will be teething, then potty training, then dating, then...

AND I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE???

Yeah, it was terrifying.  And then I thought: Why?  Why did I think I could do this?  I can't do this.  This is too hard.  If I can't even get him on a good sleep schedule, I'll never have the fortitude to do the really hard parenting.  I always looked at parents who can't get their kid to sleep as weak.  And thought--oh boy!  Watch out when their teenagers.  If you can't handle some crying now, wait until they can throw bigger tantrums.  And here I am, struggling myself.  I'm sure I need this to be happening.  To show me AGAIN to not judge.  Geez, you would think I would learn.  It seems every bad thing I think about people comes right back to slap me.  It's like a revolving door of death. 

Embarrassingly, I thought all of those things.  Sad, but it's the honest truth.  This coming from the girl who did a mushy post about motherhood like two posts ago.  Guess I should re-read it to remind myself of better days.  I'm such a wimp sometimes.  

Thankfully the hubs came home shortly after which always helps the sanity (I don't know how single mothers do it...much respect!) and he was able to FINALLY get the baby to sleep.  I'm sure we'll both feel better after a *hopefully* good nights sleep.  Because after all, he usually sleeps 6-7 hour stretches, so I really shouldn't be complaining--people have it way worse than me.  And maybe, just maybe, I'll have the time AND the energy to do the mounting pile of dishes that have been neglected for days.  That would make me feel better too.  Somehow when you feel you're doing bad at being a mother, seeing your abode get dirtier makes you feel worse.  It's like you can't control your child's nap OR the dishes.  It's just one more thing to add to your level of stress.

And if we don't?  Well.  We'll figure it out.  Because I have to keep reminding myself that motherhood isn't meant to be easy.  And millions of moms do it everyday.  And so can I.  Gulp.

The Big 3-0!

Yesterday was Claudy's 30th birthday.  It's crazy to think that it's been 6 years since this photo was taken:

Poor guy.  He's never gotten a german chocolate cake since.  I can't stand coconut!

This was his 24th birthday and we were just starting to hang out.  He had told me he liked me a few weeks before and I had told him I had to think about it.  I had decided that I did like him, and thought I'd wait to tell him at his birthday. Because seriously, what could be a better present than finding out Megan Egbert reciprocates your feelings??  

However, little did I know that not only would I stop dying my hair blonde years later, but that he already had gotten back together with his previous girlfriend cuz I took "too long".  And her name was Megan as well!  Of all the nerve!  No wonder his friend at his birthday party said "I hope he picks you, cuz you're better than the other Megan."  I just thought his friend was weird--I had no idea the previous Megan had been over before I got there.  So shady!!  How did we even end up together?? 

Haha--how far we have come!  Our love story will be it's own installment.

ANYWAYS.  Onto happier birthdays.  While Claudy went to his crack-o-dawn basketball playing me and Carter got up and decorated the apartment.  Carter wasn't much help.  

(PS-I thought the balloons hanging down in front of the door would swing into him when he walked in, but alas, they did not, and it just looked lame.  Gonna have to practice my decor skills before we have kiddies bday parties!!)

We've never decorated for birthdays (we're very low key birthday people) so it was fun.  Thank goodness for Partyland because I am not crafty and cannot/won't/do not want to make homemade decor.  I even got special balloons that said Happy 30th birthday.  

I wrote out 30 accomplishments and great attributes Claudy has done or become in his 30 years and put them on 30 hearts and spread them all over the floor.

I also got him a pass to go snowboarding since he hasn't gone all season. 

Since he usually works Saturdays it was so nice to have him home.  We relaxed and then went to our tradition of going to Tucano's for a birthday linner.  (lunch + dinner).  Which is great because it's an all-you-can-eat meat heaven.  So you go for a late lunch to get the better price and you're still full and wondering when you will stop feeling nauseous around midnight. 

(I think waiters should have to take some basic photography classes--seriously, don't they take pictures for people all of the time?? )

It was Carter's first time at a restaurant.  I forgot that they play loud music, so he seemed kinda tense the whole time but never made a peep.  He even slept for part of it!  He just looked really leery for most of the time--it was kinda funny.

We then enjoyed a delicious Andes Mint Cake and then acted like the old people we're becoming.  Ok, just really Claudy cuz I'm still rockin' my 20s!  We went to bed at 9.  Sad, but we never get to go to bed early cuz Claudy works late.  We put Carter down and actually got ourselves some good sleep. What's nice is that we can celebrate all weekend.  I love that his birthday usually falls around President's Day!

Happy 30th Claudy.  I love you and can't wait to see what you do with your next 30 years.  I hope the next 30 are much better than the first.

And for fun, I had to get him this as well.  

My Life is Not My Own

With it being Valentine's week, I've been thinking a lot about love.

Since having a baby, I cannot sleep when I want to.

I cannot eat when I want to.

I cannot come and go when I want to.

I always looked at those things and thought: how demanding, how awful, how time consuming.

Your life is literally not your own.  You're at the mercy of a temperamental bundle.

And then I had one.

And I realized I was only half right.

I may not 'get' to do everything on my time table, or on my to-do list, but...

This love is not my own.  I could have never made such a perfect and consuming love.  This love could only be put in my heart by God. 

This love that has taken over my heart has changed me, made me such a better person.

My life isn't my own, and I wouldn't want it to be.  I always want to share it with my little man.

I was only half living, living for myself.

Who knew that by 'sacrificing' and not 'thinking of yourself' that you would gain so much more??

My heart has grown and enlarged in ways I could not have guessed.

These tears are my own, that often brim when I stare at my perfect guy.

He is my own.  And I can't believe I get to have such a wonderful gift to myself.

This is truly being selfish.  Having such a wonderful present that I get to keep forever.  And I'm OK with it.

So Far, So Good!

Welp--it's been over a week since I gave my notice to my work that I won't be coming back.  Maybe now that the fear of actually doing it is over, I'm enjoying my time at home even more.  I definitely was before, but now that it's free and clear it feels even better.

Everyone told me to read before the baby came as I'd have no time--but I find the opposite to be true.  I'm reading now more than I ever did before.  I love it!  I've been reading baby books, but I've also snuck in two great reads that I had to share.  I love hearing recommendations for books (in fact, I won't read a book unless I know someone who has read it previously), so I thought I'd share mine.

The first was Bossypants by Tina Fey.  This was a little trashy, I will admit, but sooo witty.  I'm a sucker for clever and witty humor.  I was literally laughing out loud!  Watch out, it does swear (think several hundred pages of SNL) but I just couldn't put it down.  I frequently had to read hilarious passages to Claudy.  Brain candy for sure.  It was a welcome relief after reading baby sleep articles.

Another that was great was Goodbye, I Love You by Caro Lynn Pearson.  Tear jerker!  This is a true story about an LDS woman whose husband is gay.  He ends up getting AIDS and she still cares for him.  It was a true testament of forgiveness and being Christlike.  I just kept thinking while I read it, "I don't know if I could do that!"  Her sadness was so palpable.  I felt like it just leapt from the book and permeated the room.  I read it in one day and just sat on my couch and sobbed afterwards.  I love books that make you feel!  I think it was also good for me because I've never know anyone who is openly homosexual, and it really helped me to understand how hard it can be for them and to have much more compassion for them.  Eye opening book for sure!

I'm also LOVING our free trial of netflix.  I'm mixing in fun TV shows like The Bernie Mac Show and lots of documentaries.  So entertaining those documentaries--and I don't feel bad watching them since they're educational.

I'm also baking, cooking and our apartment has never been cleaner.  I have time to actually call my friends and keep in touch.  It's wonderful!

I'm sure this will all end once he is mobile, but right now, while he takes 3-4 really good naps for around 2 hours each, I'm taking advantage and doing personal development and enjoyment! 

Hoorah!

Image taken from here.

Mush

You've  been warned by the title that this post will be mushy.  So, I'll try to keep it short.  But, I may have already lost you...and I wouldn't blame you.  I often skim other's posts like this :)

But, as this serves as my only journal (sad, but true), I want to express my love for the hubs and say where we're at. 

We decided our gift would be going out to dinner.  We're going out tomorrow since Wednesdays are his day off.  It will be our first time leaving Carter at home.  I'm excited.  I hope I can remember how to put makeup on--haha! But, just like last year--even though we agreed to not get each other anything, Mr. Thoughtful still got me something!  A cook book full of peanut butter recipes.  He knows me so well!  I thought the giant kitkat I got him was going to be a great surprise, but he bested me.  Which I'm OK with :) 

He also just got me a black pencil skirt for no reason a few weeks ago.  He said he knew I had been wanting one for awhile and that I wouldn't get it for myself (I'm terrible at buying things for myself) so he figured he'd just do it.  Seriously?  How is he even for real?  

I love that just two nights ago we were giggling in bed.  We've been married 4 years, and we can still stay up just laughing in bed until we're crying.  And, just a day before that, when we heard Whitney Houston had passed away, we stayed up late watching all of her music videos and telling each other the memories we had of her growing up.  We sat and sang along and just laughed.  

I keep thinking that we need to go to bed early because Carter does his best sleeping stretch from like 8-3.  But, I just can't be OK not spending much time with Claudy.  We always stay up way too late talking, but I figure it's worth the sleep deprivation.  I just feel bad because I can nap the next day, and there he is, working AND going to school full time.  

I drink in whenever I learn something new about Claudy.  I love learning more about him, and it never gets old.  I love talking to him, and constantly text him while he's at work and school.  He's the first person I want to tell when anything happens and I hope this will always be the case.

I wish I could truly make him understand that I don't need anything.  Everything he's done for me in the past year is more than enough Vday gifts for a lifetime.  Making dinner, mopping, doing wash, grocery shopping and tending to me during my pregnancy meant so much.  Giving me my beautiful son and supporting my decision to stay home with him means so much.  

When I think of all that Claudy has been through in his life, and how he still loves unconditionally and fully it leaves me in awe.  I know I can't make up for it, but I will always try.  I hope that I can help him have a wonderful, happy and love filled life.  He deserves that and so much more for the good person he is.

I feel like what we have is so special, and I recognize how blessed I am to have such a wonderful partner in crime.  I thank God constantly for Claudy.

(Image is a painting of Claudy done a few years ago by one of his friends)

Peach Crumble Bars

Just because I'm on the elimination diet, doesn't mean that I can live without baked goods.  It just wouldn't be natural.  

I found a dessert that didn't have a ton of sugar, or chocolate.  HOORAY!

I have to say that this wasn't very sweet, (so for some that may be good--but I was hoping for more!).  I think it would probably be just right with ice cream or whipped cream on top--but I couldn't have any.

So, what I plan on doing next time, is what I laid out below, just altering the topping to make it slightly sweeter.  Once you've pressed half of it into the bottom for the crust, add more cinnamon and sugar to make the topping more distinguishable.

If you like pie, this tasted like pie a lot to me and was a lot easier!

Note the original recipe was for a 13x9, so I halved it as shown below, because I felt it would make too many and be too tempting to eat it all:

Peach Crumb Bars

Adapted from One Lovely Life

For the crumble:

1/2 cup cold butter (I used vegan butter and it worked great!)
1 small egg
1 and 1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/8 tsp salt

For peach filling:

2 and 1/2 cup diced peaches (since they're not in season I used a large can)
1Tbsp lemon juice
1/4 cup flour
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/8 tsp salt
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp vanilla

Topping:

1/4 cup brown sugar (more or less to taste)

1/2 tsp cinnamon (more or less to taste)

Directions:

Make the peach filling by combining peaches, lemon juice, flour, brown sugar, salt, cinnamon, and vanilla in a large bowl. Allow to rest while making crumble.

Make the crumble by combining chilled butter (cut into small pieces), egg, flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt in a food processor until very crumbly, almost wet sand like (no larger than peas). Easiest way is just to pulse it, so as not to overdo it. 

Press one half into the bottom of a glass or light-colored metal 9x9 greased baking dish. It might seem like there’s not enough crumble. Don’t worry, just keep pressing with your fingertips. Pour peach filling into the pan over the bottom of the crumble. 

Take remaining crumble.  Add another 1/4 cup brown sugar and 1/2 tsp cinnamon.  Pulse again in the food processor to incorporate.  Sprinkle remaining crumble over top.

Bake at 375 degrees for 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. Allow to cool before slicing.

Makes about 12 bars. 

My Little Whitey

I've put off writing this post, because I'm afraid it will get taken wrong.  But, oh, well.

When Carter was born he was as white as me.  I knew he'd be light, but I was surprised just how light he was.  We even had people tease us about it.  One of Claudy's co-workers irreverently yelled out at the Christmas party "Claudy had a baby and it is WHITE!".  Yeah, that was awkward.

I've heard that people didn't even believe it was Claudy's.  (Do they not know me??) Yet, I've heard from his brother that he thinks he is Claudy's twin, and Claudy's sister thinks he looks 'just like Claudy'.  Can't win them all!

I embarrassingly have to admit that I kind of loved that he was my little whitey.  I loved that he at least resembled me in this faucet.  Don't get me wrong--I love all shades.  I sing loud and proud to the song "Run and Tell That" from Hairspray: "The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.  I could say it ain't so, but darlin' what's the juice.  The darker the chocolate, the richer the taste." I love Claudy for his dark, smooth skin.  And I love every shade in between.  And I will love whatever shade all of my children will be as I'm sure they'll all vary.  But, a small piece of me was relieved that he resembled me.  

We had heard--whether it's folklore or not--that if their cuticles turn darker, that the rest of them will soon follow.  Carter's were as white as white could be for the first month or so.  Then, it was like all of the sudden one day I was holding him and thought his hands were dirty.  Nope.  They had totally turned brown over night.  (Could not get his hands to hold still, so this picture doesn't do it justice).

Not to mention his belly button has always remained this dark color.

And every day since then he's gotten just the faintest darker and darker bit by bit.  It's fun, because we were SOO excited to see what he'd look like when I was pregnant.  And the fun continues, because we know he'll still change a lot and we still don't know what the 'finished product' will be.  

His hair and skin could still change a lot.  Claudy's natural nieces and nephews are mixed, and they all started out with straight hair and were very light and now you'd never guess.  

Let me reiterate this.  Carter will be beautiful despite his shade or hair.  I will love him no matter what.  But, I was just a TEENSY bit (read: not very much) sad that he wouldn't look like mine.  There are so many bad stereotypes--at least here that a white woman with a darker child is a "chocolate chaser".  Or, that I married a football player.  

While I usually don't care what others think, sometimes it gets to me.  No, I didn't only date Claudy because he was dark.  No, I wasn't trying to catch me a "darker guy".  It just happened.  I fell in love with Claudy because he's Claudy.  Not because of the color of his skin.  But, a lot of people don't see that.

I don't want the stares.  I don't want the "are you babysitting", or "did you adopt" questions.  I know they'll come as he gets darker.  And that's fine.  Having Claudy as my husband, and Carter as my son is worth any ignorance I will encounter.

I prepared for this and knew it was coming before Claudy "put a ring on it".  I realized exactly what I was getting into, squared my shoulders and said bring it on.  

Which I guess is why I was a little surprised by my own feelings that I was relieved that I didn't have to deal with it for at least a little bit.

His first few doctors visits, the only comments I got was "what dark/beautiful/a lot of hair your son has".  

And I kinda enjoyed it.  I feel bad admitting it.  But, I feel that we often don't share our true feelings, whether they're dumb, unrealistic or a little off.  

I sometimes feel that my "white friends" expect me, because I'm married to someone "darker" to have all of the answers and to always know what is kosher/politically correct/appropriate, and to feel certain ways or be able to explain all of their questions they've been burning to ask about darker people.  (IE: can they sun burn??)  But really, this girl born in Idaho, who hadn't talked to a black person until I was 17, is learning every day along with the rest of you :)

So, if I loose my street credibility by this post, admitting that I sometimes have really lame feelings, like wanting my child to look like me for just a little bit, then so be it.  

But this journey, while I love it, I picked it and it is awesome--I'm still learning.  There isn't a book on "how to have mixed children and feel about it and deal with it".

So, if you don't mind, I'll share my thoughts along the way as I learn.  

This much I do know.  I am jealous because he will be able to, or at least look like he has a tan.  I've NEVER been able to tan.  My shades are either lobster red or stark white.  

I know that he will be beautiful no matter what, because of what's inside of him, and because of his beautiful eyes, hair, smile and every other perfect feature he possesses.  What--I'm his mom--can't I say that??

I'm excited to see how he grows and changes--whitey or not.

Stepping Into the Dark

I'm having a mix of feelings. I just submitted my resignation letter to my work.  I've worked there for three years and it's been good to me.  I felt very lucky to have had it be my first job after college.  It gave me a ton of good experiences and great friends. 

However, I cannot imagine leaving my little boy.  There is exactly 2 weeks left in my maternity leave and I've just been sicker and sicker as it's gotten close.  He is sleeping just a few inches from me and as I stare at his angelic face it just makes me ill to think of dropping him off with a stranger and then only seeing him for a little bit in the evening.

Please note--I recognize that everyone has different circumstances.  Not everyone wants to stay home, or is able.  I only speak of my situation and do not judge anyone who does things differently.  I know this is a very emotional decision for women and wish them all peace as they come to their own conclusion.

I might feel differently if I had family living close that could watch him, but having to spend soo much money on a day care place where I've never met anyone just doesn't feel right. 

My pride has a bit of a hard time letting my job go.  A job has a good way of stroking your ego and making you feel important.  Meetings with the CEO.  Conference calls with the Japan and Australia offices.  Work lunches.  Etc. 

I don't see Carter taking me out to lunch for quite some time! I know I'll be trading my high heels for slippers, and instead of wondering what accessories I should wear, I'll be sporting spit up instead.

It's been a hard road for me and taken a lot of thought.  I worked hard to get my degree, and I worked hard to get the position I had.  I enjoy collaborating, working and feeling that sense of accomplishment.  I know I can still feel accomplishment when I see my son growing, but it will come in a different way and it might take some adjusting. 

I have a constant fear that I'll be "bored".  But so far I haven't, and if it comes, I'll have to remember that I was sometimes bored in meetings!

It's funny how you romanticize things once they're gone.  My job wasn't all roses.  But here were some great experiences I had that I'm very grateful for:

1.  Learned to stick up for myself

2.  Improved my writing--was able to write web content, press releases, magazine articles, blog articles and start my companies social media

3.  Learned more about PR and was able to help fund raise for the March of Dimes, help organize a donation for Footsteps for Africa and help establish a partnership with Mali Raising.  My work will be building a school in Mali, Africa later this year.  I'm really proud of those things!

4.  I was able to travel, to California, Las Vegas, Philadelphia and go on a Caribbean cruise!

5.  I met some great people that I will always call my friends

I know some people hate "corporate America".  My husband is one of them.  He would hate working in a large, global corporation.  I thrived off of it.  I loved "climbing the latter" and paying my dues.

In fact, just a few months before my due date I was offered a job in the marketing department.  I was really proud of that.  While my time was short, it was very fascinating and I'm so glad I got to learn what I did.  I learned about making a product and product development for a global company.  I know I could have had some amazing experiences staying in that position.

However, I'm taking that leap of faith and following my gut. 

I know that I will have some amazing experiences as well, probably some I can't even fathom as I get to watch my little boy grow and develop.  I feel very lucky I won't miss a moment of it.

I am very nervous about the stability I'm letting go though.  If anyone knows me, I LOVE to have stability, the ability to plan, and have financial peace of mind.  I'm giving those all up.  I was our breadwinner.  I was the one with insurance. 

Claudy is more than willing to work while he finishes up school, but it won't be on the same level.  Thankfully, since we knew this might happen we were able to save a lot.  In fact, I'm proud of how we've worked into this.  When I got my new position and raise we so could have moved to a nicer apartment, got rid of my junky truck that I've had since high school and travel.  But, instead of scrimped and saved knowing that we wanted to be able to make this decision if we needed to.  Granted, it won't last us until Claudy is done with school in August, but it definitely put us in a good position to be able to walk away. 

I don't know how it will all work out.  And that scares me.  But, I know that I need to have faith.  If this is the right thing to do--which I know it is, then it will work out.  I've see it work out time and time again for others and I know that me and Claudy are resourceful and creative and can make it work.  I'm beginning to think that not everything was supposed to fall into place before I gave my resignation because this is supposed to be a trial of my faith.  I can't always know the beginning from the end.  I sometimes need to step into the dark before the Lord sheds some light on my path.  So I'm doing that.  My legs may be trembling, and my knees may be knocking.  But I'm doing it.  I'm stepping ever so meakly and humbly, asking the Lord to not let me fall.

I know that we would have never learned to make it work if we didn't have to.  It always doesn't make sense on paper, but I'm learning that that is OK.  (DEEP BREATH) We didn't know how we could afford to be married, and we've never gone without.  I'm sure I'll look back at this turning point and see the Lord's hand in it.  Plus, I figure if we have to eat rice and beans--I'll be used to it thanks to this elimination diet :)  Haha...but on a serious note, if we have to do that, it will be worth it.

I'm still hoping to be a freelance writer and teach English to do my part--as well as coupon it up!

I just keep thinking, we just gotta make it til August when he graduates.  Just August.  We can do this!

I know any sacrifice I make will come back to me double fold when I see my little boy smile at me.  I know it will be a transition, but I can do it.

I had a wonderful chapter and am so glad I was able to work before I had my baby.  I will always cherish those things I learned. 

I'm excited what this new chapter will bring.  Let's bring it on! 

Cashew Chicken

A silver lining to this elimination diet is that it's making me try new recipes.  I've kinda slacked at trying new recipes since the babe was born, and this diet has gotten me out of that box!

Most of the delicious recipes have come from my friend Gianna.  She has a ton of great recipes on her blog.  She pretty much rocks.

This was called cashew chicken.  While it didn't necessarily taste like the cashew chicken I've had at Chinese restaurants, it was DELISH!

It was great for many reasons, but these were my top three:

1. It has sugar as part of the recipe--HELLO!

2.  It has water chestnuts.  These are not used in enough dishes!  Such great crunch.

3. Easy, and few ingredients.

I couldn't have the cashews (not allowed to have nuts) so I can't wait to make it again with them as I know it will be even better.

It was easy, one pan and oh-so-tasty.

Thanks Gianna!

Cashew Chicken

Recipe from Gianna

3-4 chicken breasts

1 can sliced water chestnuts

2 large garlic cloves

1 cup cashews

1/3 cup soy sauce

1/4 cup sugar

2 tsp. cornstarch

2-4 handfuls of sugar snap peas (ends trimmed, strings pulled out--I didn't have these, so I used green beans and it was great!)

Instructions:

In a small bowl, thoroughly mix sugar and cornstarch (I used flour since I didn't have any).  Stir in soy sauce and set aside.  Heat small amount of oil in skillet.  Stir-fry cashews until lightly browned. Remove and set aside.  Add garlic to skillet; heat until you can smell it.  Add chicken and cook through.  Steam the peas, then rinse with cold water and set aside.  stir sauce to redistribute sugar, and then add it and the water chestnuts and heat until thickened.  Add cashews and steamed peas.  Serve over cooked rice.

Play Gym

This one goes out to the grandparents.  Since my dad recently moved to Wisconsin, and we've got the St. Germain and partial Lavin clan in Massachusetts and the rest in North Carolina I figured I should get better at taking and posting videos now that he's getting more active.  I thought Carter was so cute on his play gym that I tried to catch it on camera. Of course I caught more of the tail end when he was quieter, but I thought it at least gave a good visual since I talked about him loving his play gym a few posts ago. Enjoy!