I'm having a mix of feelings. I just submitted my resignation letter to my work. I've worked there for three years and it's been good to me. I felt very lucky to have had it be my first job after college. It gave me a ton of good experiences and great friends.
However, I cannot imagine leaving my little boy. There is exactly 2 weeks left in my maternity leave and I've just been sicker and sicker as it's gotten close. He is sleeping just a few inches from me and as I stare at his angelic face it just makes me ill to think of dropping him off with a stranger and then only seeing him for a little bit in the evening.
Please note--I recognize that everyone has different circumstances. Not everyone wants to stay home, or is able. I only speak of my situation and do not judge anyone who does things differently. I know this is a very emotional decision for women and wish them all peace as they come to their own conclusion.
I might feel differently if I had family living close that could watch him, but having to spend soo much money on a day care place where I've never met anyone just doesn't feel right.
My pride has a bit of a hard time letting my job go. A job has a good way of stroking your ego and making you feel important. Meetings with the CEO. Conference calls with the Japan and Australia offices. Work lunches. Etc.
I don't see Carter taking me out to lunch for quite some time! I know I'll be trading my high heels for slippers, and instead of wondering what accessories I should wear, I'll be sporting spit up instead.
It's been a hard road for me and taken a lot of thought. I worked hard to get my degree, and I worked hard to get the position I had. I enjoy collaborating, working and feeling that sense of accomplishment. I know I can still feel accomplishment when I see my son growing, but it will come in a different way and it might take some adjusting.
I have a constant fear that I'll be "bored". But so far I haven't, and if it comes, I'll have to remember that I was sometimes bored in meetings!
It's funny how you romanticize things once they're gone. My job wasn't all roses. But here were some great experiences I had that I'm very grateful for:
1. Learned to stick up for myself
2. Improved my writing--was able to write web content, press releases, magazine articles, blog articles and start my companies social media
3. Learned more about PR and was able to help fund raise for the March of Dimes, help organize a donation for Footsteps for Africa and help establish a partnership with Mali Raising. My work will be building a school in Mali, Africa later this year. I'm really proud of those things!
4. I was able to travel, to California, Las Vegas, Philadelphia and go on a Caribbean cruise!
5. I met some great people that I will always call my friends
I know some people hate "corporate America". My husband is one of them. He would hate working in a large, global corporation. I thrived off of it. I loved "climbing the latter" and paying my dues.
In fact, just a few months before my due date I was offered a job in the marketing department. I was really proud of that. While my time was short, it was very fascinating and I'm so glad I got to learn what I did. I learned about making a product and product development for a global company. I know I could have had some amazing experiences staying in that position.
However, I'm taking that leap of faith and following my gut.
I know that I will have some amazing experiences as well, probably some I can't even fathom as I get to watch my little boy grow and develop. I feel very lucky I won't miss a moment of it.
I am very nervous about the stability I'm letting go though. If anyone knows me, I LOVE to have stability, the ability to plan, and have financial peace of mind. I'm giving those all up. I was our breadwinner. I was the one with insurance.
Claudy is more than willing to work while he finishes up school, but it won't be on the same level. Thankfully, since we knew this might happen we were able to save a lot. In fact, I'm proud of how we've worked into this. When I got my new position and raise we so could have moved to a nicer apartment, got rid of my junky truck that I've had since high school and travel. But, instead of scrimped and saved knowing that we wanted to be able to make this decision if we needed to. Granted, it won't last us until Claudy is done with school in August, but it definitely put us in a good position to be able to walk away.
I don't know how it will all work out. And that scares me. But, I know that I need to have faith. If this is the right thing to do--which I know it is, then it will work out. I've see it work out time and time again for others and I know that me and Claudy are resourceful and creative and can make it work. I'm beginning to think that not everything was supposed to fall into place before I gave my resignation because this is supposed to be a trial of my faith. I can't always know the beginning from the end. I sometimes need to step into the dark before the Lord sheds some light on my path. So I'm doing that. My legs may be trembling, and my knees may be knocking. But I'm doing it. I'm stepping ever so meakly and humbly, asking the Lord to not let me fall.
I know that we would have never learned to make it work if we didn't have to. It always doesn't make sense on paper, but I'm learning that that is OK. (DEEP BREATH) We didn't know how we could afford to be married, and we've never gone without. I'm sure I'll look back at this turning point and see the Lord's hand in it. Plus, I figure if we have to eat rice and beans--I'll be used to it thanks to this elimination diet :) Haha...but on a serious note, if we have to do that, it will be worth it.
I'm still hoping to be a freelance writer and teach English to do my part--as well as coupon it up!
I just keep thinking, we just gotta make it til August when he graduates. Just August. We can do this!
I know any sacrifice I make will come back to me double fold when I see my little boy smile at me. I know it will be a transition, but I can do it.
I had a wonderful chapter and am so glad I was able to work before I had my baby. I will always cherish those things I learned.
I'm excited what this new chapter will bring. Let's bring it on!
6 comments:
Wow! I was going to make a couple of comments, but you have already thought of EVERYTHING (like the freelance writing)! You WILL make it through, because you are prepared and willing to do anything. And also, you are SO right, when he starts to giggle it will be one of the happiest times of your life, then when he talks, etc. I always that you were an amazing CAREER woman, now you can have a chance to be an amazing MOM!
About the boredom thing.... you will be mostly busy! But, get on a schedule as soon as Carter starts sleeping normally and not all the time like an infant. Things will go more smoothly and you'll have more you time! I'm sure there are PLENTY of activities in your area to keep you two busy as well, when he's a bit older.
CONGRATS!
It is hard but I agree that no matter how amazing your job is or the money, nothing compares to seeing your babies beautiful smile. Just do what you feel is right. Good luck with the next couple of months!
Megan- Thanks for sharing your story. Matt and I have thought about the same things for when we eventually start our family. Good luck! You're a great momma.
Thank you, I needed to read this. My babies aren't even here yet, and I'm already stressing about the career decision that I will inevitable need to make in the next few months. It's scary and overwhelming when you're used to being the breadwinner with good insurance.
I can totally relate with you, Megan. I did not quit my job right away, but I did change positions in order to be at home more with Carson. Mostly out of necessity. You are a brave woman for doing this and don't ever forget that. Some people would have you believe that you are making the easy decision -- you don't have to work or stick to a "schedule" or whatever their excuse is --- but it's HARD for people like you and me and other women who are successful and enjoy the workplace. It's HARD to be at home all day without that "stroke to your ego" as you called it. It will not be the same. But the rewards will come later. Just remember that when you have a bad day. ;) And remember that there are others like me who are your cheerleaders who know that someday you'll find a way to fulfill both --- as you rightfully should --- if you choose to. And that's perfectly fine. God blessed you with that AWESOME resume building experience so that come time when you want to or NEED to work again, you'll have something amazing to fall back on. You're amazing!
This is so perfectly and beautifully put, Megan! I went through all those same emotions. I worked with people that I considered my very best friends at the end of my 3 years there and it was SO hard to give up. And the financial/insurance thing was terrifying, we literally had no back up plan when my insurance ended after my maternity leave. Our testimony of tithing has been strengthened a hundred fold since we decided that I would stay at home. Like you said, it never works on paper. But it always works, and then some. We were actually able to save money each month, which never made sense, the money was just always there. You are an amazing, intelligent woman and Carter (and other future children) will be blessed beyond belief that you made this decision. I'm grateful that I had a mom to stay home with me when I was growing up. =)
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