My Little Whitey

I've put off writing this post, because I'm afraid it will get taken wrong.  But, oh, well.

When Carter was born he was as white as me.  I knew he'd be light, but I was surprised just how light he was.  We even had people tease us about it.  One of Claudy's co-workers irreverently yelled out at the Christmas party "Claudy had a baby and it is WHITE!".  Yeah, that was awkward.

I've heard that people didn't even believe it was Claudy's.  (Do they not know me??) Yet, I've heard from his brother that he thinks he is Claudy's twin, and Claudy's sister thinks he looks 'just like Claudy'.  Can't win them all!

I embarrassingly have to admit that I kind of loved that he was my little whitey.  I loved that he at least resembled me in this faucet.  Don't get me wrong--I love all shades.  I sing loud and proud to the song "Run and Tell That" from Hairspray: "The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.  I could say it ain't so, but darlin' what's the juice.  The darker the chocolate, the richer the taste." I love Claudy for his dark, smooth skin.  And I love every shade in between.  And I will love whatever shade all of my children will be as I'm sure they'll all vary.  But, a small piece of me was relieved that he resembled me.  

We had heard--whether it's folklore or not--that if their cuticles turn darker, that the rest of them will soon follow.  Carter's were as white as white could be for the first month or so.  Then, it was like all of the sudden one day I was holding him and thought his hands were dirty.  Nope.  They had totally turned brown over night.  (Could not get his hands to hold still, so this picture doesn't do it justice).

Not to mention his belly button has always remained this dark color.

And every day since then he's gotten just the faintest darker and darker bit by bit.  It's fun, because we were SOO excited to see what he'd look like when I was pregnant.  And the fun continues, because we know he'll still change a lot and we still don't know what the 'finished product' will be.  

His hair and skin could still change a lot.  Claudy's natural nieces and nephews are mixed, and they all started out with straight hair and were very light and now you'd never guess.  

Let me reiterate this.  Carter will be beautiful despite his shade or hair.  I will love him no matter what.  But, I was just a TEENSY bit (read: not very much) sad that he wouldn't look like mine.  There are so many bad stereotypes--at least here that a white woman with a darker child is a "chocolate chaser".  Or, that I married a football player.  

While I usually don't care what others think, sometimes it gets to me.  No, I didn't only date Claudy because he was dark.  No, I wasn't trying to catch me a "darker guy".  It just happened.  I fell in love with Claudy because he's Claudy.  Not because of the color of his skin.  But, a lot of people don't see that.

I don't want the stares.  I don't want the "are you babysitting", or "did you adopt" questions.  I know they'll come as he gets darker.  And that's fine.  Having Claudy as my husband, and Carter as my son is worth any ignorance I will encounter.

I prepared for this and knew it was coming before Claudy "put a ring on it".  I realized exactly what I was getting into, squared my shoulders and said bring it on.  

Which I guess is why I was a little surprised by my own feelings that I was relieved that I didn't have to deal with it for at least a little bit.

His first few doctors visits, the only comments I got was "what dark/beautiful/a lot of hair your son has".  

And I kinda enjoyed it.  I feel bad admitting it.  But, I feel that we often don't share our true feelings, whether they're dumb, unrealistic or a little off.  

I sometimes feel that my "white friends" expect me, because I'm married to someone "darker" to have all of the answers and to always know what is kosher/politically correct/appropriate, and to feel certain ways or be able to explain all of their questions they've been burning to ask about darker people.  (IE: can they sun burn??)  But really, this girl born in Idaho, who hadn't talked to a black person until I was 17, is learning every day along with the rest of you :)

So, if I loose my street credibility by this post, admitting that I sometimes have really lame feelings, like wanting my child to look like me for just a little bit, then so be it.  

But this journey, while I love it, I picked it and it is awesome--I'm still learning.  There isn't a book on "how to have mixed children and feel about it and deal with it".

So, if you don't mind, I'll share my thoughts along the way as I learn.  

This much I do know.  I am jealous because he will be able to, or at least look like he has a tan.  I've NEVER been able to tan.  My shades are either lobster red or stark white.  

I know that he will be beautiful no matter what, because of what's inside of him, and because of his beautiful eyes, hair, smile and every other perfect feature he possesses.  What--I'm his mom--can't I say that??

I'm excited to see how he grows and changes--whitey or not.