Breastfeeding is the DEVIL/DIABLO/SATAN

 I think I've decided breastfeeding is worse than labor.  This is continual, non-stop and there is no epidural!  Instead of waterboarding as a form of torture, they should just use breastfeeding.

I understand not everyone will want to read this; but, shortly before I delivered, I read a blog post on breastfeeding challenges and outcomes from a fellow blogger and it totally helped/prepared me. So, I will divulge (not crazy, personal details though) and hope it helps someone else, and perhaps, it will at least let me vent a little.

I know breastfeeding is great for your baby (nothing against those who do formula--totally your choice--no judging here).However, I feel it's kinda hush-hush in our culture.  All I ever really heard about breastfeeding was that you need a good 'latch', it shouldn't hurt if you're doing it 'right' (whatever that means) and that you should do it.  I'm not saying we should do it just out in the open and I want to watch everyone do it--but when you're preggo, they should totally prepare you more.  Or, was I the only one living under a rock?  Did I miss the breast boat somewhere?

I had no idea what it should look like--what a 'latch' was and how hard it would be. Even though I tried to read up on it, I think no drawing can sufficiently prepare you.

The frustrating part for me, was that I knew I would want a lactation consultant from the get-go at the hospital to start off on the right foot.  But, because it was a holiday there was none.  So, I asked the nurses to watch and they told me he was doing great!  

Then, why the toe-curling, excruciating pain?  Feeding that evening and night was NOT fun.

Thankfully a lactation consultant came the next day and even she was frustrated and spent over an hour with us.  His tongue went back (didn't know it needed to go forward) and his mouth needed to be stretched because he didn't open enough, and from doing it wrong all night he had already developed some bad habits.  Lovely.  

After trying everything up the lactation consultant's sleeve, she suggested that I use a nipple shield and even use a bottle to widen his mouth.  We had to use a syringe and pump formula into his mouth while he tried to nurse to make sure that he got enough fluid.  It literally took both me and Claudy to feed him.  But after the lactation consultant left, I felt like I still had tons of questions and wasn't sure what to do next.  She said I had deep bruising and that lanolin cream wouldn't do it, so I needed a prescription grade cream called Newman's ointment.  I'd totally recommend it.  While super helpful, it's a pain because you have to wash it off before you feed, so I haven't been the best at applying it.  But I like it way more than lanolin because it's not so thick and easier to apply.

After a few days of wanting to scream, punch a wall and shout profanities (I did a few times--oops, burning Carter's ears!) every time he nursed, I went to see a lactation consultant again.  I would totally recommend it.  It seems, to our private culture, weird to have a stranger look at your chest while you feed your child--it was totally worth it.  She taught me so much.  Finally--I knew what it should feel like, look like, and how to correct it if he was doing it wrong.  I had been terrified to pull him off before, or touch him once he was on, even if he was on wrong--which was bad, but I didn't know better.  She taught me how to listen to see if he was actually swallowing.  It literally breathed hope into me again and made me feel like I could do it.  She also told me I shouldn't have been using the shield every single time for the entire time--but no one had told me that.  And what a pain to use the shield--it did help, but having to always wash it off and find it when your child is screaming of hunger was not cool.  She also taught me early hunger cues, so I didn't have to wait until he was crying to feed him.  She was a lifesaver.

Then, I had another awesome life raft thrown to me.  This incredibly nice girl in my ward asked me how I was doing at breastfeeding.  How nice to ask!  She came over and brought me her favorite cream, cups, shield...etc. and just listened and answered questions.  It was so nice to not just have people give you a pat on the head for trying, but someone who was like--yeah, it sucks and it hurts and you can do this, and this is my experience, even if it's different from yours.  I thought it was soo thoughtful and nice of her, and the smoothie she brought was a cherry on top.  We girls need to look out for each other!

However, the glitz and glam of the lactation consultant appointment soon wore off when I got cracks, and I was still so sore from doing it wrong for so long.

Seriously?  Who thought of this???

Let's take a sensitive area of the body and use that to feed your child who have a VORACIOUS appetite and suck.  Barracuda. Why can't I feed from my elbow or somewhere more calloused??

And then, when you have an open wound--never let it rest or heal because they have to eat every 3 hours.  That's a great idea, right?

I have seriously dreaded every three hours.  Then, while it's happening the 10ish minutes that I'm doing it I'm just counting down.  

It seems like it never ends.

I always told myself I'd stick it out and do it for the first year, but that just seems like so, impossibly far away.

If you stuck with breastfeeding--how did you do it?  Were you glad you did?

I think I will because I'm stubborn and incredibly cheap.  Formula is soo expensive and we don't have a dishwasher. The few times I've pumped because I couldn't bear another feeding and had to hand wash the bottle made me not want to bottle feed.  

He's 2 and a half weeks old, and I can say I'm finally toughening up--but what a rocky and painful road.  I'm still uber sore, but it's not as intense.

Let's just say that I'm going to educate and teach my younger sister.  Why my mom and other women never explained it to me or prepared me further kinda still frustrates me.  All you hear is--are you breastfeeding?  That's great.  Instead of, how are you doing?  Do you want to cut your breasts off?  Have you tried a shield, Newman's ointment...etc.  

Come on ladies--let's help each other out.

Sometimes I wish I lived in a naked African tribe--that way I'd be more familiar and breastfeeding would be out in the open so I wouldn't have had such a clueless and flailing attempt.

There.  I feel better, at least...emotionally.  The chest area...not so much.

But, if I had to find a silver lining, it would be that I'm 2 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight.  So, thank you breastfeeding for helping me loose weight.  That's about all the credit I can give you.

Image taken from here.