Can I do a gift exchange?

Ok, so this may be a little too graphic for a post. But as you’ve probably noticed in my other posts I’m pretty open and have little to no shame. Besides I’m totally lamenting to myself, and writing always makes me feel better.

Mother nature has come to give me a gift that I’d really rather trade in for a new wooden spoon, new leather belt…something, ANYTHING. You’re sitting here thinking…is she really talking about THAT monthly gift? Yes, I am. Aunt Flow has come to town and I’d really rather her not. I hear the Hilton is a much better and accommodating place to stay than at mine.

You see, I haven’t had a period in TWO YEARS. Two wonderfully, glorious, ecstatic, celestial years. It truly has been amazing. Now you’re probably thinking…but shouldn’t she be dead? Is there something wrong with her? Shouldn’t she be seeing a Dr? Stop. It’s actually ok to miss a period. Remember, I was on the shot? The shot makes your period go away. While I’ve been off of the shot since January they said it could take me up to a year to get it back. I was desperately hoping it would take a year.

The one time my body actually over achieves on something. Could I play softball? Nope. Could I grow boobs when I was thirteen and wanted them? Nope. But dang it…my body will sure speed this one up!

Claudy is one lucky man. He’s never had a wife on her period. I think he’s in for a shock. What am I talking about…I’m in for a shock! I don’t own any pads, I think I might have some tampons …somewhere? What do I do? Where do I go? It’s all like a distant nightmare I don’t want to remember.

I guess I should try and be grateful because most people don’t get as huge of a break I did unless they’re above fifty if you know what I mean. But really, this is so awful. I will never understand why we have to go through this. Can’t we just have a some kind of trigger or button that you push when you say…I want to have a baby…start ovulating and never have to deal with the ENTIRE cycle. Gross. Yuck. If you see me in the next little bit maybe you’ll understand why I look so depressed. But at least it means one thing…I’m not having a baby!!!!